September 4th 2025
I cant sleep, its been one year since I trauma dumped with blake on the roof and anniversaries always get me. Ive been feeling a lot more like myself, maybe I am healing. I got new pots and pans they are green. I have new running shoes and an espresso machine OTW. Things could be worse, but I also could have a mom. EVEN MY COWORKERS THINK IM A LOSER, like guys im just depressed its been a hard year. But Ive cracked open some peoples shells. I need to be careful bc I need to not be too silly. My skins breaking out so bad bc ive been living off candy all week. We r supposed to be throwing a rooftop rager this weekend so that should be fun. Naybe im protecting my peace too much bc im just ignoring everyone and im much happier, but alas I will try to socialize.
August 31st 2025
Today was weird, I slept all day which I never do. I was sad but I couldnt cry. I just feel like im dragging my feet. I ran into joe on the street. The world is silly that way. I ordered new pots and pans, I got a beer. The past is swirling around my head like a fly. This year was so formative for me, and I dont know how to accept that Ill never have my old life back. So much is about to change yet again. My love is dammed and has nowhere to go. Maybe its time to pour it into myself.
August 30th 2025
wow, what a month. Its crazy how you can imagine how something with happen for years and then it just does and you couldnt have predicted a thing. Or maybe the details are what you expected but the feelings are all wrong. Anyway, my mom is dead and I am alive and the world is spinning. Crazy how no one reads this and yet im still performing for an audience. Im feeling very numb and empty. The vessel that created me is gone and now I am truly left to fend for myself. Ive been doing it for years but its a slap in the face. puts things in perspective. Im doing fine from a surface level perspective, but the ones who know KNOW. I get over every hill but my feet are sore and my legs ache. I want to collapse into someones arms and cry but thats not in the cards for me. crazy how the heart can break over lost love that was never really there.
July 31 2025
And just like that another month is behind me. I am on flight DL0474 to boston. After 2 weeks of work travel I am actually having an identity crisis because what is this job and what is wrong with me. I cannot for the life of me conjure a scrap of genuine human connection if my life depended on it. Ive concluded I must be the problem and the source of my loneliness but for heavens sake will someone say something real? Like for fucks sake its software for a tech company. I have been hyperaware of my own pitfalls. Im terrible at asking questions and have been doubting my own vulerability. I fear I may come on too strong for most people so ive been holding back. Theres peace in solitude but also what is the human experience if not to be shared? I dont want to climb the corporate ladder I just want to sit at the base for a while and sip a coffee together. I have the wrong kind of intelligence I have the kind that makes me miserable but not the wits to learn from my mistakes and build a better life. Now Im not making excuses but it doesnt come naturally. Sorry Im insufferable
July 10th 2025
Ive been feeling so good but today was bad. Blake if ur reading this it was worth it to be exhausted today. But idk I just had brain fog and I had to work until 10:30 PM and I have been really frustrated with myself. I have been feeling very isolated. I have this idea in my brain of me as a better person and I cant quite figure out how to execute it. I just need some rest I think. The cashier at Simmons is my homie tho. What a guy. Today I got tequila high noons. Also angelo was cracking me up on teams today.
June 23rd 2025
Guys okay my vacation was actually perfect it was truly spectacular. But I had so much time to think and now Im entering a manic phase. Not actually but im like really thrill and dopamine seeking and ive been GLUED to my phone. I have 4 books I want to finish and I CANT. I feel so dumb. Today I was dying I had the worst headache and I could not even make sentences. I have this week to myself and I think I reallllyyy need to stop abusing music and really sit with myself. I really try to drown out my own head and its getting to a point where its BAD. but idk Im just doing my best. I DROPPED MY PHONE ON THE STREET AND THESE TWO NICE WOMEN WHO DIDNT EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH HELPED ME GET IT BACK. OH ALSO I GOT WALKED IN ON MID SHIT TODAY LIKE SO BAD. LIKE THE DOOR IS ELECTRONIC AND THEN IT WOULDNT SHUT. SAVE ME
June 5th 2025
So here I am in my hotel room and now that Im in my severed world I dont have to worry about the rest of my life. My sole source of anxiety is the chime of a microsoft teams ping. Its beautiful in seattle and I had sweet green for dinner and Im sipping black hotel coffee and giving my morning meeting about 45% of my attention. I suck at my job. We just move so fast and I am constantly lagging behind. Everything is so disorganized and I cant seem to string the pieces together. But I don't want to be negative 100% of the time. I updated the formatting of the home page with my hand drawn images and I lurv it.
Saturday Mar 29th
GUYS. MARCH SUCKS.LOLOLOL. I was being a whiny bitch in Feb, please disregard. But actually im sooo tired mentally and physically. I lurv seattle I wish I wasnt shackled to my computer when I'm there. Loved celebrating mollys birthday (twice) bc she deserves it. I've been a little menance drinking and carrying on every weekend so im trying to chill. Got new micron fine liners. Need to get back into my hobbies. UGH IM SO BAD AT LIFE HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WORK 60 HOURS AND HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE AND WORKOUT AND BE CREATIVE AND STAY UP TO DATE WITH THE POLITICAL CLIMATE AND DATE AND CHECK IN ON MY MOM AND PAY MY TAXES AND MEAL PREP AND "WATCH THAT SHOW" AND SHAVE MY LEGS AND MAKE APPOINTMENTS... IT NEVER STOPS. How r yall not all dying from the anxiety. Could use a pointer lowkey being so fr rn tbh and thats on god.
Saturday Jan 11th
This weekend I watched UDA dance team nationals and Ive been thinking a lot about my wasted potential. Why am I sitting at a desk all day when I'm meant to jump and turn. I run after work and lift some weights but these goddamn new years resolutioners wont get out of the yoga studio so I can dance. I was never naturally gifted at dance but it made me so happy and free. I took those days for granted. Anyway its freezing and dark in boston and life is feeling stagnent. Seattle here I come.
Saturday Jan 11th
Its a snowy day in Boston and I woke up at 7:00 am and reorganized my closet and went back to bed. I slept on my neck wrong so now I am moving around awkardly. I had some TJ soup dumplings for lunch and I have big theif/adrienne lenker discography on. Its a simple day. I chugged my coffee too fast and my heart is racing but otherwise I am calm. I have felt somewhat refreshed going into the new year. I cried and yelled and got a lot of my emotions out back in VA. I broke down crying the whole flight back to Boston. I think I realized that being angry and sad doesn't change anything and I have a lot to be grateful for.
Tuesday Dec 24th 2024
I don't mean to always have something to complain about but I am just very easily irritated. I am so tired and there is a yapper dog directly next to me at the gate and I don't want to work tomorrow. Jet blue tried to charge me AGAIN for my checked bag and I was not having it. I think I'm gonna make it to richmond tho.
Thurs Dec 19th 2024
I have one full day in the big city before I leave for the good ole hometown. I am feeling bittersweet about it. I left a lot behind and its both a weight off my shoulders and a piece ripped out of me. Am I a dynamic spirit who is constantly evolving into new forms or am I one creature holisitically made of everyhting that has led up to this moment? Such is life for a businesswoman in the big city. I shall find a way to spark the christmas spirit.
Sat Nov 23 2024
Today I went to my first harvard yale tailgate and I am not the machiene that turns alcohol into fairy dust that I once was. I was thinking about the Alice in Wonderland quote today "You're not the same as you were before, he said. You were much more... muchier... you've lost your muchness.” I fear I am losing my muchness. I think I am my most me when I am a bit too much. I am a lucky woman to have friends that welcome my muchness with open arms. Alright enough sappiness, but being 22 is a lot and I endured a lot of pain to keep my childlike wonder. I just want to hang on to it a little longer.
Sat Nov 9 2024
Being a corporate baddie is kinda exhausting. I can feel the silliness of youth slowly oozing out of me. Its kinda nice being busy and having a reason to wake up and start my day but I do miss some of lifes simple pleasures. A late afternoon walk and nap is a lost art. But enough complaining I'm lucky to be here, just gotta make the most of the perks and the people. Time to enjoy my weekend.
Mon Sept 16 2024
Today I woke up with all my covers on the ground after a night of tossing and turning. My water was shut off from 9-4 so I decided it was a sign to get out into the world and rid myself of the horrors of my internal psyche. I got some cute tops from TJ Maxx and wore my silly khaki cargo shorts. However I still have a mild stomache ache. Oh to be a girl.
Fri Sept 6 2024
After some emotional and tearful goodbyes I am settling in quite nicely to beantown. Today we briefly lost water and have an exciting RMV appointment to attend to. Also had the best meal of my entire existance at the Vermillion. AND I GOT TO SEE MOLLY!!!!!!! Might be hitting the town tonight will leave updates.
Wed Apr 12 2024
It is a miracle I made it to class today. I cant find my silver glasses, but in my search I found my other earring that I JUST reordered after it was missing for 2 months. I am having horrible allergies which is not typical for me. I just got my hair done so thank god I am back in my blonde bimbo bombshell form. I just want to go back to bed but alas I shall give my lecture my utmost attention.
Mon Apr 3 2024
Today I had orange creamsicle cake leftover from easter for breakfast with a 24 oz red eye. Cannot say I am feeling my best but I went to class and actually took good notes and understood what was going on. Yesterday I went to my first and potentially last Durham Bulls game. Honestly pretty fun shoutout to our uber driver otw home. Bought pink pants yesterday - feeling alive.
Wed Mar 27 2024
Today I woke up at 7 AM to thunder which I'm not sure has ever happened to me before. I dragged my lazy ass up and went to class tho. And then I walked a half mile in the pouring rain just to get coffee with ella and was soaking wet but I rewarded myself for my treacherous journey with online shopping! And then I went back to bed and listened to my rain playlist.
Mon Mar 25 2024
Today I had an exam and I think it went okay. After I dissociated in the library for like 3.5 hours and worked on my website until my meeting. Very uneventful day.
Sun Mar 24 2024
I had cookies for breakfast as my last form of sustanence and it is now 3pm and I am extremely anxious even though I have only drank half of my cold brew. I have an exam tomorrow and I don't understand any of the material. I made $11 in tips last night in a 6 hour shift but in good news my march madness bracket is at 80% accuracy and I am #1 in my apartment pool. I need to go run around but alas I must remain locked in for my academic persuits.
Fri Mar 22 2024
I cant believe that march is almost over. I am hosting today and I am a terrible host. Im basically a boomer bc I couldnt figure out how to change the channel on the TV. In good news I got a compliment on my glasses and it made my day since I usually hate wearing them. I am working a double and I am already tired so I think I need a coffee round 2. I listened to scott street 37 times yesterday and I dont want to talk about it.
Thur Mar 21 2024
Today I am writing from work and thankfully it is slow today. Mr Hooks ordered a burger today because the buffet was that bad. Meatballs and buttered noodles. The pollen is horrific and jessica and I spent 30 minutes wiping it off and its already coming back. I am dehydrated and its 12:30pm and all I have eaten is a banana and a black coffee (and some berries I stole off the buffet shhh). My mind is not here today.