Thursday May 19th 2025
Wow, long time no see! My apologies, the past few months have been a whirlwind. After the international economic collapse following the tragic death of santa clause and his beloved reindeer, Ive been on the run. As the sole survior of a plane crash causing public outcry and rage, I had to go off grid to protect my safety. For weeks, I moved between Airbnbs and roadside motels, devoid of any sense of stability or structure. The media branded me as everything from a government plant to an anti-Christmas supervillian. I was hunted — not just by journalists and bounty hunters, but by a grieving, gift-starved public still in denial. Some people are trying to move on, others miserably cling to the memory of a sleigh-shaped silhouette in the night sky. There are rumors elves tranforming toy factories into soybean oil processing plants. Children now write letters to “whoever’s left.”, their behavior out of control with no consequence of coal. As for me? I still hear sleigh bells in my nightmares. Yet as spring has sprung and the UV breaks 8, a sense of normalcy has returned. I am coming out of the shadows and living my summer to the fullest.
Tuesday Dec 24th 2024
The sharp bite of the frigid boston wind stung my face as I exited my uber. Second time's the charm eh? I am back at the airport in a desperate attempt to spend another holiday with the fragments of my family that remain. I enter the airport and blindly follow the direction of the people around me in an attempt to blend into the crowd. All is well and I let out a sigh of relief as I approach the gate with my bright blue carry on bag. Fast forward an hour the flight takes off smoothly into the air. As I'm gazing out of the window I notice a faint red light in the distance. To my suprise SANTAS SLEIGH is headed directly for the plane. The pilot panics and overcorrects. Both aircrafts (sleigh and plane) are knocked out of the sky. There is (1) survivor. This is the end of Santa Clause and the world must rediscover the true meaning of christmas beyond capitalist driven urges for material objects
Thursday Sept 19th 2024
As the crisp cool fall air rushes over the city of Boston, I begin to grapple with the reality that this is my new beginning, a fresh start. Reflecting on my history of adventure, I cannot conclude if I should classify this period as an end or beginning. My frontal lobe is nearing development and my neurons are crystalizing into their permanent forms. I find a city bench overlooking the murky pond of the Boston Commons, as if just maybe if I stare hard enough my soul will relfect back to me from the surface. I notice a discrepancy and lurch closer to get a better view. Overlooking my reflection I see a yucky old lady. Its me from the future. Shes bitter and old and begins to scream at me for being a dumbass. So fair.
Thursday June 27th 2024
It's the beginning of the sweltering hot summer here in Raleigh North Carolina, cook an egg on the sidewalk type of day, and I am wandering through this ghost town of a campus as the students have parted ways in persuit of family comfort or cold hard cash. As I make it about a mile away from my humble adobe, I quickly begin to question my decision making authority as I now must venture back. Dripping sweat, I sit down to catch my breath. All of the sudden as I glance up at the blinding sun, I notice an unusual hue of light. Before I know it I have been adbucted into an alien spacecraft, and chosen as their pawn to destroy the earth.
Saturday March 23nd 2024
Alright so I hop in my busted up sedan and start her up in the persuit of a ice cold refreshing cup of joe, as any youngster would do on a Saturday morning. As I am whipping out of the parking garage (only minimal damage to surrounding vehicles) I scan my card on the gate. Windows down, crusing down Hillsborough Street, my eyes lock on the target. THE ONE AND ONLY Randy Woodson. I slam on the breaks in persuit of a foul cat call but he beats me to the race. To my astonishment, he yells my full name and informs me that "I am the best student to ever walk these god forsaken grounds since the University became accredited". I simply nod in agreement and drive off as I have bean water on my mind.
Tuesday February 13th 2024
What a wild shift. So today I clock in, 10:37 sharp (running late) and go to check the buffet. Today is the exotic meat special. Imported crocodile, kangaroo, mystery meat... idk about that one. Anyways, man comes in. Wearing a sharp looking suit with a shiny badge. I know instantly, it's the Fenway Food critic. This guy is cracked. He can name every seasoning and spice with just 27 chews of a bite. I try explain to him that he must be a member to eat at the U-Club exotic meat bar but before I can even finish my sentence he comes around the host stand and writes himself in. It is simply above my pay grade to intervene. As he walks back over to the lunch buffet I observe him scratching in notes to a tiny leather bound notebook. Very thorough investigation of the presentation. He picks up a plate and holds it to the light, then pulls a microfiber handkerchief to polish it with.